Don’t want to read? Try giving me a listen:
I started this blog as a way of self-expression through one of the darkest times of my life, to serve a dual purpose: 1) getting me out of the house and 2) writing as a form of therapy. You probably noticed that I don’t spend all my time talking about the texture of the food or the history of the ingredients. Rather, I sprinkle some elements of the food while mainly talking about my day. Hate it or love it, it’s helped. But as I started actively leaving the house on my own accord (leaving a city you disliked and going back to the place where your support system is does wonders for mental health) and diving into talk-therapy, my posts have become more and more infrequent.
This isn’t necessarily an issue, but I do really enjoy the blog and my lil platform. Then, it became about posting to give y’all, my favorite readers, some content to have. It also was in part to keep myself accountable and consistent. Turned out well, didn’t it *voice dripping in sarcasm.*
Won’t lie to you, felt a little lost. Didn’t know in what direction to take the blog. I started interweaving more personal life in my (infrequent) posts, but then wouldn’t necessarily update, because I felt I needed to update with some pictures of food. And no, as you probably realized, this post will be short-ish without many pictures of food. I want to promise that I’ll be more active, because I think I’ve figured out what I want to do as next steps, but the disappointment I’ll feel if I break that promise — and yes, every post I make is dripped in a sense of obligation and promise-keeping. I want to move past that and write about my life and food, but mainly have y’all by my side as I venture through life, because, life is rough. But, it’s the people in your life that (should) make it better.
I wrote this post with the intention of working through my feelings in real-time. My therapist is on vacay and the person who put me in this funk is otherwise pre-disposed, so cannot talk it through with them until they get out of their own head about it. And, it’s always a tough line to walk when those people may read your posts, too.
So, let me dial it back a bit, let me catch you up (briefly), and let’s get to where I am now.
Past couple of months have been amazing. No, everything was not perfect. Suffered anxiety attacks, a shrooms-induced breakdown, several health issues (all happening at the same MF time, sheesh), and navigating loved ones. Regardless, the loved ones in my life made all of those things easy to tackle. From the out of breath crying phone calls to watch-partying anime to virtual drinking nights to random ass trips… it made the bad parts of my life seem less bad, because the good was just so bright, it seemed to have outshined the dark. Now, do I wish I didn’t have to go through the bad? Absolutely. I’m only a masochist part-time, hehe. But, they did make me a better, stronger person. I don’t think you need to go through certain trials and tribulations to change and become a better person, but I do think dark times generally spur the “right” set of circumstances to motivate someone to change.
Visited two new mid-west cities. Wouldn’t live there. Wouldn’t necessarily visit again unless prompted to,* but did love them.
First trip started off rocky. Hearing shattering news about the same friend you’re going on vacay with? I wanted to cancel so badly. The visceral imagery and the timing of everything made me want to go back in time and not meet them. But at the same time, I didn’t want to rob myself of new experiences, when I was also pretty positive that I wouldn’t let the news affect our friendship, as I wanted this friendship to flourish and see its potential. I was in my head for a bit, was confused, felt lost. Honestly, I felt a little betrayed. How do you talk about all the plans you want to do together and then turn around and do something that puts those plans at jeopardy? Of course, circumstances were wildly different at that time, because had it happened a bit into the budding friendship, it really would have been a no. In new friendships, people just say things, but words do have meaning, and I’ll hold you to them. But, I decided to “YOLO” it and go on the trip… and get my feelings hurt some more HAH! Had me crying at dinner in a designer mini dress. I’m honestly embarrassed. But, you know what? That’s life. Despite that blight, I’d have done the trip again even with the inconvenience.
Second trip? Only inconvenience was me losing my Nintendo Switch. I HATE that for me. Yes, I bought another one! Yes, I’m broke again! Sue me! Kidding! You’d only get $1.45!!!
*I try not to visit the same place more than once unless: I can get a new unique experience each time or my friends/family live there.
Ate some pretty good food during these past couple of months.
I definitely need to update y’all on Freya and Cranes. I also did Tail Up Goat, which I enjoyed, but not sure it was blog worthy? Here are some sneak peeks (and no, I am not telling you which plate came from which place… yet). Oh, also, best espresso martini? Residents. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Did a rosé event with an old friend and it was absolutely splendid!
Living my best Barbie life… even though I definitely retired the iconique blonde hair right before the event. I don’t regret it, but damn, what unfortunate timing. Here’s a nifty reel I made about it! But carving out time to see friends, amongst being sick and conflicting schedules, has been tough. It’s felt like a whole task, something I need to intentionally remind myself to do. Easy to check in, harder to execute. There were other factors, like my other relationships, but timing is always a pain.
Also had to deal with the emotions that come when deciding if you’re going to put your dog of 14 human years down. I felt sick. Couldn’t sleep. Kept on crying. But, she managed to pull through. Her good days substantially outnumber her bad days, but a piece of my heart always breaks whenever I look at her, knowing she may not see our little family grow.
All in all, a lot of realizations happened. A lot of future planning also happened. I felt I was growing into the woman I envisioned for myself (with an extra side serving of student loan debt). Even amidst the bad, I still felt pretty secure in my path.
That’s really the update to date! It’s funny, because I had the full intention to write out my feelings that made me gravitate towards writing this post, but writing made me feel so much better — forced me to think through my past couple of months to get to where I am today. I came in feeling nervous about the end of my friendship, but am leaving this post feeling better, since I know we’ll also survive this. I think the hardest thing I’m grappling with is the feeling of uncertainty. When a familiar event happens with a new person, you think about how it happened with others, and you hope hard as hell that it isn’t going to happen again. But, it’s also hard to get out of your own mind that it will happen again, because it’s happened so many times in the past.
I’m being cryptic as hell, and I apologize. It’s a thin line to walk when talking about someone else because that is their business. As I wrote the above, I’ve come full circle in wanting to write out those feelings. It’s a weird situation to be in when someone is frustrated because of you but not because you did anything. Am I making sense here? You’re not at fault, yet you’re the catalyst of frustration in another. It’s hard. Because how can I apologize? How can I make it better? How can I fix it, especially when it seems like my presence is making it hard for them to get out of their own head? And why does everything I do afterwards feel so loud and wrong? I wish I could go back in time and delete the part that led to this (from the inception and not just the moment of realization), but how? So then, how do you give them the space they need while also understanding where they’re coming from? And of course, to add insult to the injury, how do you regulate your own emotions, trying to not draw parallels from your own past experiences and jump to conclusions? Lastly, when is it appropriate to talk about your own feelings together? Is it while they’re still processing their own headspace or when they’ve wrapped it up and mentally moved on? I had thought after the events that followed our partial conversation, we were okay to move on, but the tone since seems very forced and indicative of needing space. It just sucks.
I know it’ll be fine. And I realize I definitely process things differently. Just sucks feeling like this right now. But, the world keeps on spinning and it’ll be alright for everyone involved.
Also, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a steam of consciousness writer who does not go back and edit. I always want this to feel like we’re having a real-time conversation. Trying something new, though: speaking out my blog post so you can listen along instead of always needing to read it. First, I wrote. Then, I spoke it. Deciding if I should speak first and then transcribe, but that may be even more unfiltered thoughts (for better or for worse)!
Now, I suppose that’s the update to date.
